Such simple humor and the timeless expression of a woman who is shocked by “her” weight.  This is not an unusual position for Gracie: being in complete ignorance of what is really happening!

Gracie: Once upon a time on a beautiful Christmas morning, Scrooge and Bob Crachet and Tiny Tim went for a walk in the woods while their breakfast was cooling.

While they were gone a dear little girl came and knocked on the door. And naturally nobody answered so she went inside to see who it was.

George: Gracie, that’s not the way I heard it.

Gracie: Who told it to you?

George: My mother.

Gracie: Oh, well this is by Dickens.

George: But this is another story….

Gracie: So this little girl saw that her breakfast was cooling so she decided to taste it. She tried the first bowl and it was too hot and she tried the second bowl and it was too cold and she tried the third bowl and it was just right and she ate it all up.

George: That was Goldilocks.

Gracie: No. It was porrige.

Well, anyway, this poor little girl had two rich step-sisters. And along came Prince Charming with a glass slipper. So she tried it on the first step-sister and it was too hot, and she tried it on the second step sister and it was too cold and he tried it on the poor little girl and it just fit. She married him and guess who got all the money.

George: Walt Disney.

Gracie: You’re confusing the children….

Our act ended with a typical boy-girl song, which led into the both of us dancing together. During this dance we used a gimmick which I think I originated. It’s been used many times over the years–in fact, it’s still being used and it still works. Gracie and I would dance together, and four times during the number I would stop the music–we would tell a joke–and then continue dancing. It went like this:

George: Stop!

[music stops]

Gracie, how is your cousin?

Gracie: You mean the one who died?

George: Yeah.

Gracie: Oh, he’s fine now.

George: Music!

[music starts and the dance continues]

George: Stop!

[music stops]

Gracie, how’s your uncle Harvey?

Gracie: Oh, last night he fell down the stairs with a bottle of scotch and never spilled a drop.

George: Really?

Gracie: Yeah, he kept his mouth closed.

George: Music!

[music starts and dance continues]

George: Stop!

[music stops]

Gracie: My sister Bessie had a brand new-baby.

George: Boy or girl?

Gracie: I don’t know, and I can’t wait to get home to find out if I’m an aunt or an uncle.

George: Music!

[music starts and dance continues]

George: Stop!

[music stops]

George: A funny thing happened to my mother in Cleveland.

Gracie: I thought you were born in Buffalo.

George: Music!

[music up--and into dancing exit]

BUYING A GOOD USED PLATFORM

A PLATFORM is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.

Too many candidates neglect their platforms, and what happens? Why, just about the time Kate Smith stands up to sing, the whole thing collapses.

But on the other hand, you don’t want to spend too much time on it. I’m having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there’s no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you’ll have no use for after you’re elected.

And now without further ado I will give you a confidential peek at the Surprise Party platform, a document fo such insignificance that furture historians may well call it the Magna Carta of the Misdeal. The ideas came to me in a dream.

BE IT DISSOLVED:

That we, the undersigned, being duly registered members of the Surprise Party and relatives of Gracie Allen, do hereby, hereunto and here and there being of sound mind, severally and collectively swear to serve our country on the best terms possible, and solemnly subscribe to the following principles, to wit:

CONGRESS MUST GO:

The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony. This is entrenched privilege, but if it can’t be changed, let’s at least have a better floor show and get a few more Senators who looke like Jimmy Stewart.

Congressmen are well paid. Why should they be allowed to make those playing cards on the side? We favor putting Congress on a commission basis. Pay them for results. If they do a good job and the country prospers, they get 10% of the extra take.

END SECRECY IN FOREIGN AFFAIRS,

DEMANDS GRACIE:

If Charles Boyer is going around with Greta Garbo, the people are entitled to know about it. But I’m not really worried about this. Our Foreign Relations will be all right so long as they bring their own bedding and don’t stay too long.

This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in Maine and Vermont. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I’ll have to send in a force to restore order.

THINK UP THINGS TO REORGANIZE:

I propose to extend the Civil Service to all branches of the government, because I think a little politeness goes a long ways, don’t you? For instance, Army officers will have to leave off those medals at dances. Hundreds of women now can’t wear their new formals without getting “For Valor” printed all over their collarbones.

The G-Men will be given useful work. The kidnapers are perfectly well able to take care of themselves, and we women want to know where our husbands go after the poolrooms are closed. And I’ll also see that the G-Men get an extra supply of policemen’s hats for lost children to be photographed in.

I furthermore demand free calendars for Cabinet Members. They have as much right as anybody else to know what day it is. About the WPA, SERA, CIO, AFL and SEC–I’m going to change all those letters to numbers, so we can play Bingo and the taxpayers can have more fun. And to set a better example to our youth, I will hereafter have it spelled Boulder D–m.

TAKE THE FIZZ OUR OF FISCAL:

The Federal Reserve System is all right as far as it goes, but personally I like Culbertson. And Free Silver to go with the Free China, Mr. Zanuck, or I’ll think up something that will make the Neely bill look like a Valentine!

My opponents worry about the national debt being almost up to $45,000,000,000. (This morning’s paper.) What’s the matter with that? We should be proud of it; after all, it’s the biggest in the world! But that’s a lot of money, so my plan is to put it in a safe bank. Even at 2% it’s a good investment, and putting it in three banks would make 6%. But learning to balance the budget would be a waste of time, on account of where would a juggling act get booking today, after what George Burns did to vaudeville?

For that matter, I think people are making altogether too much fuss about money and the budget. Why don’t we just buy what we need on the installment plan? A few dollars down, a few dollars a month, and before you know it the battleship is ours. And anyway, I’ll save a lot of money just by tightening up on government lending restrictions–I’m going to insist that all borrowers under five years of age be accompanied by parents.

UNEMPLOYMENT FOR EVERYBODY:

To take care of Emergency Relief, I plan to build thousands of new gas stations. But that’s a temporary expedient. What this country need is a permanent program, one that doesn’t yank a good picture in the middle of the week. The Wagner Act is all right as far as it goes, but it will never replace Olsen and Johnson.

My administration will nationalize the Gracie Allen Self-Delusion Institute, and give free correspondence courses. This will open up hundreds of new fields of endeavor, so that people who can’t find jobs in their own line will soon be without jobs in three or four different kinds of work. One of my first official acts will be to change the present 8-hour day and 5-day week to a 5-hour day and an 8-day week. This is supplemented by my “Incomes for Idleness” plan, which will soon be on sale at all toilet goods counters.

But Social Progress, no. Social Progress is not one of my goals. This country is not a social climber, and besides, the Treasury knows too many people already, if you know what I mean.

So vote early and often. Don’t wait until Election Day. I may have found other work by then. Do it now! Pop out of bed. Mom out of bed, too! Everybody up–and call me when breakfast is ready.

BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS

One Christmas many years ago, Gracie and I invited our grandchildren home for Christmas. We had a tree, presents…and Gracie had the idea for me to dress up and be Santa Claus.

That’s the last and only time I played Santa Claus.

George: Carol, you’re a delight to work with because you are a great artist.

Carol Channing: Thank you, George. And it’s a thrill to work with you because you’ve always been my idol. I’ve watched you work for years, and you’ve really got it.

George: I’ve got it?

Carol: Oh, yes.

George: I hope that’s a compliment.

Carol: Oh, it is. You know, to be a star some people have to be great singers, or great dancers, or great comedians, or great actors, but you made it without any of that.

George: But I got it.

Carol: Oh, yes.

George: Well, Carol, what is this thing that I’ve got? Is it sort of a hidden talent?

Carol: Oh, George, what you’ve got isn’t hidden. Anybody can see it, it’s right out in the open.

George: So before it catches cold?what would you say it is?

Carol: Well, George, it’s a certain something, and you’ve got it. You’ve not only got it, but you’ve always had it.

George: Let me see?it’s something that I’ve got. Has Sinatra got it?

Carol: Yes, but you’ve got twice as much.

George: Well, maybe it’s because I’m older.

Carol: Sure, so yours is developed more.

George: Now I’m really confused. How about Dean Martin, has he got it?

Carol: Of course he’s got it. But alongside of you, you can’t even notice it.

George: Now this thing that I’ve got?and I’ve got twice as much as Sinatra?and when I’m with Dean Martin you don’t notice his?has?has?has Richard Burton got it?

Carol: Of course he’s got it. And I know because Elizabeth Taylor happens to be a very close friend of mine.

George: This is something that I’ve got, and I’m glad I got it?and I certainly wouldn’t like to lose it?but I’d like to know what it is?can you describe it? Is it square? Is it round? Is it?is it as big as a breadbox?

Carol: George, there’s no way to measure it. You can’t buy it, you can’t sell it, you’re born with it. You can’t put your finger on it.

George: That maybe I’ve got?. Now, when did you find out I had it?

Carol: The first time I ever saw you. You were playing the Palace Theater and I was in the audience. The moment you walked out on the stage I said to the woman next to me, “He’s got it.”

George: What did the woman say?

Carol: She said, “he must be hiding it, because I can’t see it.”

George: She couldn’t see it, but you could?

Carol: Well, that’s because I’m in show business. I recognized it right away because I’ve seen it before.

George: Anyway, this something that I’ve got?at my age have I got enough of it left to last until the show is sover?

Carol: Why not? It’s lasted all these years.

George: Well, whatever it is, it must be pretty tired by now?. One more question and I’ll quit. Is there anybody else who’s got as much of it as I have?

Carol: Shirley MacLaine.

George: That I didn’t expect. Georgie Jessel maybe, but Shirley MacLaine, never.

Carol: Oh, George, everybody in show business has got it.

George: Well, if I’ve still got it, I hope I don’t lose it at the blackjack table.

Gracie: Well, you see one Christmas my father caught a wild turkey and he fed him corn and chestnuts. But then we didn’t have the heart to kill him so we let him get away.

George: Oh, I see.

Gracie: But the turkey liked the food so well that he came back each year. And that way we always had…

George: A turkey for Christmas dinner?

Gracie: Yes.

Fred Astaire: Good old Totley castle.

Gracie: Isn’t it beautiful? It’s almost pretty enough to be a filling station

George: Filling station? This castle is more than 300 years old.

Fred: Oliver Cromwell went through here in 1648.

Gracie: Well that was good time in those days.

Fred: I mean he went through the castle, Gracie.

Gracie: Couldn’t stop the car, huh?

George and Fred: No! Couldn’t stop the car!

Following Gracie’s retirement George tried going on without her.  A number of people played with George in place of Gracie including the world renouned Carol Channing.  What follows is a routine that they did together.  You may recognize many of the old jokes that actually came directly from the old Burns & Allen routines.

Carol and George enter from opposite sides and meet center stage.

George: Ladies and gentlemen, Carol is now going to say hello to everybody.

Carol: Hello, everybody.

George: Let’s see, how should we start?

Carol: I always like to start with a joke.

George: I think Carol’s got a good idea there.

Carol: All right. I took my girlfriend to the doctor’s today, and while I was there somebody told this joke that had everybody dying laughing.

George: I’m sure we’d like to hear it.

Carol: Well, it went like this: “Don’t let that upset you, he never says good-bye to anybody!” (A long pause)

George: That can’t be the whole joke.

Carol: There was some stuff ahead of it that I didn’t hear, but that was the line that had everybody dying laughing.

George: I think we better find another way to start.

Carol: This might be interesting. While I was in the doctor’s office I read a newspaper that had the latest census report on this city. And you people out there don’t look tired and worn out.

George: Tired and worn out? You don’t look that way to me, either.

Carol: Well, right at the top of the census report it said, “Population of Seattle–broken down by age and sex!”

George: I don’t think she understands what that means.

Carol: Ohhhhh, yes I do. I’ve known about the birds and the bees all my life.

George: That’s a surprise to me.

Carol: When I was a little girl my mother told me how the bees carry pollen from flower to flower on their feet. I even tried it and believe me its nothing.

George: I’m sorry to hear that–I was getting ready to take off my shoes.

Carol: And I read something else in the newspaper while I was in the doctor’s office. A very rich man died, and the lawyer read his will to his sons and daughters and their husbands and wives. It said for every new child that was born they would get an extra half million dollars, but they weren’t interested.

George: That’s hard to believe.

Carol: Well, they weren’t. Before he even finished reading the will the room was empty.

George: The reason they ran out was they were probably double-parked.

Carol: Anyway, this doctor has a beautiful redheaded nurse with the most gorgeous figure. But she was sick, too, poor little thing. She kept begging the doctor to take her appendix out.

George: Can you folks imagine a beautiful nurse askig a doctor to take out her appendix?

Carol: It’s true. Every time she went into his private office I could hear her hollering, “Doctor, please, cut it out!”

George: That doctor really knew how to operate.

Carol: Let me tell you folks why my girlfriend went to see the doctor in the first place. She went to have the dents taken out of her knees.

George: Well, if you’ve got dents in your knees, that’s the place to go.

Carol: That’s what she had. When I looked in the office, the doctor was pounding them out with a rubber hammer.

George: He was trying to get a look at her reflexes.

Carol: Well, no wonder she kept kicking at him…. And while she was in the doctor’s office I cheered up all the patients in the waiting room. There was one little boy there who looked so sad, so I took him around and made everybody shake hands with him. It made him so happy he almost forgot he had the measles.

George: Carol’s friendliness is really contagious.

Carol: I helped the nurse, too. I answered the phone for her. Somebody wanted to know if a man eighty-five years old could have rickets.

George: I can’t wait to hear what her answer was.

Carol: I said let him have all he wants as long as he chews them well.

George: For a minute I thought she might give the wrong answer, but she fooled me.

Carol: And then the doctor from the next office came in, and he was whistling.

George: He must have had something to whistle about.

Carol: The nurse said that he was Dr. Brown, the famous obstetrician. She said that last year he had two hundred and sixty babies.

George: Well, that’s wonderful.

Carol: It might be wonderful for him, but I’ll bet his wife isn’t whistling.

George: I’d like to straighten her out, but she’s so happy the way she is.

Carol: I tried to have a talk with that doctor, but he was in a hurry to get back to his office. He said he had a little boy in there a year and a half old who couldn’t hold on to his food. So I said, “Why don’t you give him a live lobster? If he can’t hold on to his food, give him food that can hold on to him.”

George: I’ll bet that doctor wasn’t whistling when he left.

Carol: Then this woman sitting next to me told me she sprained her back playing tennis. She told me that she hadn’t held a racket in her hand for two years. So I said, “My goodness, where have you been holding it?”

Gracie: Thomas Edison, Winston Churchill. How can they pick men like that to head the list?

George: I’m intrested to know, Gracie, who is your choice?

Gracie: Need you ask, George? I’m thinking of a man whose glorious romantic voice has thrilled millions.

George: ‘The birds are sweetly singing and perfumed flowers are bringing in the wind-’

Gracie: No, a man whose charm and talent are world-famous.

George: Gracie, this is getting embarrassing.

Gracie: Only one man should top this list–Charles Boyer.

George: Charles Boyer?

Gracie: Uh-huh.

George: You put him ahead of Edison?

Gracie: Yep.

George: Edison invented the electric lights.

Gracie: With Boyer, who needs them?

George: Gracie, there are some pretty great men on this list.

Gracie: Not as great as Boyer. Well, look at these names. Arturo Toscanini, conductor. How do you like that? A man who punches transfers.

George: He happens to be a musical conductor.

Gracie: All right, so he hums while he punches transfers. And here’s another one, Einstein. Now what did he do?

George: Einstein?

Gracie: Yes.

George: What did he do?

Gracie: Uh-huh.

George: He’s the father of relativity.

Gracie: Oh, what does she do?

George: Relativity Einstein?

Gracie: Yeah.

George: She’s at Warner Bros…  You know, Gracie, for a minute there, instead of Boyer, I thought that you thought that I belonged on that list of great men.

Gracie: Oh. Oh, well, you see, George, you’re my husband and I don’t think of you as a man.

George: Well, thanks.

Gracie: I mean, I don’t think of you as a man who does anything.

George: Thanks again.

Gracie: I mean, I don’t think of you as a man that does anything romantic.

George: A triple thanks, and stop thinking about me.

Gracie: Aw, now I’ve hurt your feelings, and I didn’t mean to, George. You know, I’d rather be married to you than any man on this list: Churchill, Edison, Stalin, Hitler.

George: You have just earned my fourth ‘Thank you.’

HOW NOT TO OFFEND ANYBODY

AS a well-known great man would have said if he had thought of it, “Don’t go around offending people just because it can be done sitting down.”

People like to be remembered. This is especially true on birthdays and anniversaries, so if you’re running for office you should try to remember faces, even if you don’t want to call them names.

I used to have a terrible memory. It bothered me for quite a while, and then I met a famous man on a train. He wrote books telling people how to make other people like them. I told him how I was always forgetting to remember faces and figures, not having been brought up to know anything about pots and pans, and he gave me a long lesson.

Two years later I met him again and he came up to me smiling.

“Remember me, Miss Livingston?” he said.

“I’ll never forget you, Dr. Stanley,” I assured him.

You can do the same. And if that doesn’t work, let me testify from my personal knowledge that many a droopy candidate has been brought back to perfect health by simply taking a few bottles of Dr. Farley’s Green Ink for Pale Presidents.

So cultivate friendships. If you don’t have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.

Little thoughtless remarks can easily do lasting damage. Like the time my brother handed a man a crisp new five-dollar bill and the man said, “It looks like you made it yourself.” My brother let him keep it for his honesty, but he hasn’t been the same since.

God is said to love the poor people because he made so many of them, and we politicians should love them for much the same reason. Where do you find twelve votes per family, in Larchmont or the Bronx? You can have your Rockefellers. I’ll take Frank Parker.

But even rich people have feelings which should be respected. For instance, I know what caused the Depression. It was caused by brokers who washed their sales and found too late that they couldn’t do a thing with them. But do I go around saying so? No. Even brokers vote, especially if it doesn’t rain on Election Day and the Yanks are playing out of town.

When you learn to make everybody happy, you will possess the golden secret of how to milk the contented voters. But do it in such a way that they won’t think you want them to vote for you just because you need the money.

They need the money, and besides, they can think up other reasons if they try.

Look at all the people Mrs. Roosevelt makes happy. People may criticize her now for doing so many outside things, but that will all be forgotten, just like the way the same people who used to talk about Martha Washington now take her candy shops for granted. Now that I think of it, have you ever considered what a great President Mrs. Roosevelt would make? It’s not just her charm and personality. She has intellect, tact, humor, and a keen sense of her responsibilities to–but wait a minute! Who am I campaigning for, Mrs. Roosevelt or me?

However, as a certain great radio comedian always says just before he goes on the air, “You can’t please everybody, so what does the sponsor go for?” The masses demand a fighting President, and that means you’ve got to offend somebody, because the way I see it, a strong offense is the best attack.

So what can you offend?

That’s an easy one. Offend the other candidates, because they’ll be too busy talking to hear you, and besides, they might not vote for you anyway.

There are many things you can say. I would suggest starting with such names as “Tool of Wall St.,” “Old Wheel Horse,” and “Party Hack.” If your opponent is young, call him a student of politics, because everybody knows the way things are what we need is a graduate. If he looks too honest, call him a visionary or a reformer: and if he’s smarter than you, you can work wonders with such things as “crafty” and “clever.” Say he rented his children from the pound, and that if elected he’ll close all the banks just because his brother-in-law is overdrawn $3.85. Just do others as you would hate to have them do you, and it’s in the bag.

So this gives you an idea, and I will close with one final tip: In writing letters, don’t start out, “Dear Sir Madam.” Be definite. People like to be one or the other. That’s why they put up those signs in restaurants and places.

BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS

Gracie: Where do you keep your money?

George: In the bank.

Gracie: What intrest do you get?

George: Four percent.

Gracie: Ha! I get eight.

George: You get eight?

Gracie: I keep it in two banks.

Gracie: My sister had a baby.

George: Boy or girl?

Gracie: I don’t know, and I can’t wait to find out if I’m an uncle or an aunt.

George: I’ll take you home if you’ll give me a kiss.

Gracie: All right. If you take me home, I’ll give you a kiss.

[As he started walking her across the stage, he stopped abruptly.]

George: Wait a second. Is your mother home?

Gracie: Sure she is, but my father won’t let you kiss my mother.

ISSUES AND HOW TO PICK THEM

EDITOR’S NOTE. We here reproduce the expurgated version of Miss Allen’s famous keyhole speech, in which she laid down the gauntlet to the major parties and defied them to pick it up without stooping. The complete version, including the juicy parts and printed on the best issue-paper, appears in the Congressional Record-Express, on sale by your local Congressman.

The speech follows.

Ladies and Gentlemen, and no corny cracks:

The splendid introduction of your Toastmaster, which was too glowing, I fear, for poor little me, reminds me of a story which I wish I could remember. But I couldn’t tell it in the dialect anyway, so I will just say that as I look out upon this sea of shiny faces I am uplifted, and also pinched in at the waist.

This is the greatest night of my life. How glorious it is to be here among my friends, for you are my friends, at least until election, in this fair city of _______, the garden spot of the great _______. (APPLAUSE.) I can say in all truthfulness that when last I tire of the mad whirl of modern life and want to find a place to die in, this is it.

I stand before you tonight a simple, plain woman–(GROANS.) which is not my fault, but the Westmores can’t take me till tomorrow. And anyway, is this an election or a popularity contest? I’ve often wondered.

You are probably just as anxious as I am to find out what I stand for, but it isn’t so easy.

If I knew what the Republicans and Democrats are going to promise, everything they offer could go for me too. But a certain well-known bookie, whose name must remain confidential until I find it out, has written my that the other parties are holding off just so they can pattern their keyhold speeches after mine.

So I am awake to the danger of holding my convention first. I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they don’t know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while I’m waiting for the returns to come in.

A keyhole speech is very simple, especially mine. First it states the issues. An issue is just a difference of opinion, which is why we put erasers on horse races. And as I always say, as long as we have issues, we can’t have everything. Second, the speech goes on to attack the present administration and show how it has ruined the country. Then it goes on to attack the other candidates and show how they’ll keep it ruined, and generally builds up a warm and friendly atmosphere.

Unfortunately, I don’t know exactally how the present administration has ruined the country or how the other candidates are going to keep it ruined–I hardly know how I’m going to handle it myself.

But we all realize that what this country needs is plenty (GIGGLES) and even though it’s impossible I’ll be glad to do it. Today we are facing many crises that are creasing our faces with worry. Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first time–and millions are doing nothing because it’s the best offer they’ve had this week. (LAUGHTER. Miss Allen knocked over the water pitcher.)

It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they aren’t quite so smart. My platform is a definite answer to the Republicans and Democrats, as well as the New dealers, before they say anything–and if they say it anyway, that will be time enough to think of a better answer.

My opponents (BOOS) ask for a sound government. What do they think they’ve got now, or don’t they listen to their radios? They ask me what I am doing about the two-dollar dollar, what am I doing about providing old age for people with pensions, and what am I doing next Friday night. They must think they’re Clifton Fadiman! (DEEP SILENCE. Drop the gag from the next speech.)

But I accept the challenge. I say without fear of contradiction that I not only stand four-square for free speech, but my brother is busy right now inventing a telephone that works with soap slugs. I stand for the conservation of wild life: when I am elected night clubs will close at ten o’clock. I stand for a cleaner administration: no Senator who can’t hit his spittoon on his first try truly represents the aims of my party, even if he does claim that he tried to bank his shot off the cracker barrel. I stand for a lot of other things, too, but what working girl doesn’t. (OVATION. Jack Benny just came in.)

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it’s all checks and no balances. But I have a cure for that. I’ll sign all checks with invisible ink, or better still, sign them “A Friend,” so nobody will be embarrassed. And if the deficit still seems too high, I’ll sign it again, starting a half-tone lower.

Do you know of anyone better qualified than me for this high office? If so, don’t delay. Write or print his name clearly on your cuff and send it, together with the tops of two ballot boxes, to the nearest laundry. I may make mistakes, for I am only human (PAUSE, while ten delegates scribbled notes and handed them to the ushers) but whenever one of my policies fails I will be the first to admit it, though perhaps not by much.

So wake up, America! Your country needs me and I can be had. Let’s all pull together and make these United States the grandest place in this whole country. I see a vision. A glorious vision. A united people, marching forward shoulder to shoulder, giving their all for the common good, working while I whistle. (WHISTLES.)

And in conclusion, let me say only that if I have overlooked anything that will make this country of ours a better place to live in–I thank you.

BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS