How to Become President: Chapter 7

BUYING A GOOD USED PLATFORM

A PLATFORM is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.

Too many candidates neglect their platforms, and what happens? Why, just about the time Kate Smith stands up to sing, the whole thing collapses.

But on the other hand, you don’t want to spend too much time on it. I’m having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there’s no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you’ll have no use for after you’re elected.

And now without further ado I will give you a confidential peek at the Surprise Party platform, a document fo such insignificance that furture historians may well call it the Magna Carta of the Misdeal. The ideas came to me in a dream.

How to Become President: Chapter 5

ISSUES AND HOW TO PICK THEM

EDITOR’S NOTE. We here reproduce the expurgated version of Miss Allen’s famous keyhole speech, in which she laid down the gauntlet to the major parties and defied them to pick it up without stooping. The complete version, including the juicy parts and printed on the best issue-paper, appears in the Congressional Record-Express, on sale by your local Congressman.

The speech follows.

The Surprise Party Mascot

Gracie: Wait until you see the picture I had taken.
 

George: I’m not interested in any picture.  We’re here to do a broadcast.

Gracie: You know, the Democrats have a donkey and the Republicans have an elephant.

George: What have you got: squirrel?

The Surprise Party Platform

Highlights from the Surprise Party Platform

Congress Must Go! The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony.  Put Congress on a commission basis — if they do a good job, they get 10 percent of the extra take.

Extend Civil Service to All Branches of Government – a little politeness goes a long way!

End Secrecy in Foreign Affairs — if Charles Boyer is going around with Greta Garbo, the people are entitled to know about it.

Take the Fizz Out of Fiscal! Put our money in a safe bank — at 2 percent it’s a good investment, so let’s put it in three banks and get 6 percent!  Learning to balance the budget would be a waste of time, on account of where would a juggling act get booking today after what George Burns did in vaudeville?

NPR Remembers Gracie’s Presidential Run

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In 1940, the United States was just emerging from the shadow of the Great Depression and war loomed in Europe.

Into these serious times stepped Gracie Allen, part of the popular comic duo Burns and Allen, who launched a campaign for president.

Allen’s Surprise Party began as a publicity stunt, but during a whistle-stop tour across the country the campaign took on a life of its own.