Gracie’s First Press Conference

June 10, 2009

[In 1940 Gracie actually became a candidate for President of the United States.  During the year the Burns and Allen Show featured several comdey routines on their radio show.  Below is a transcript of one of these segments:]

Reporter: Miss Allen, my readers want to know what your platform is.

Gracie: Well, it’s knotty pine trimmed with oak and inlaid with California redwood.

George: That’s to match your head, I thought so.

Reporter: Miss Allen, what would be the first thing you would do if you were elected.

Gracie: I’d put my daddy in the Senate.

George: Your daddy doesn’t know anything about the Senate.

Gracie: Oh, yeah.  He’s been making speeches from the floor for years.

George: He’s still on the floor, I’ll bet.

Gracie: That’s my daddy.

Reporter: Miss Allen, my senior editor wants to know what you opinion is on capitalism versus the little man.

Gracie: I don’t know…I never go to wrestling matches.

Reporter: Are you in favor of monopolies?

Gracie: Oh, I don’t play Monopoly.  I like Mahjong better.

Reporter: Miss Allen, what do you think of the Neutrality Bill.

Gracie: Well if we owe it, let’s pay it.

George: Gracie, why don’t you call this off?  You know you know nothing about it.  You haven’t said one thing that’s right.

Gracie: Well, I’d rather be president than right.

George: Boys, there’s no use in trying to interview her.

Reporter: Mr. Burns, would you stop bawling her up?

George: I’m bawling her up?

All: Yeah!!

Reporter: Miss Allen, all the other candidates are talking about how to bring back prosperity.  What’s your point of view?

George: She doesn’t even know what prosperity is.

Gracie: I do too!  Prosperity is when business is good enough so you can buy the things on credit that you can’t afford anyway and that way you can save enough money to pay cash for new things after they have taken back the things you bought on credit.  Nah!!

George: How are you doing, boys?

Reporter: Miss Allen, would you recognize Russia?

Gracie: It’s hard to say.  You see I meet so many people.

George: You don’t have to meet them all on this program, do you?

Reporter: What do you think of the British blockade?

Gracie: Oh, we’ll get by.

Reporter: Miss Allen, what do you think of our national debt?

Gracie: We ought to be proud of it.  It’s the biggest in the world!

George: Boys, either go ahead or go so we can do our broadcast.

Reporters: Quiet!

George: Quiet?

Reporters: Yeah, quiet!

Reporter: Now, Miss Allen, how would you keep our gold reserves from shrinking?

Gracie: Well, I’d wash it in luck.

Reporter: Miss Allen, is there anything you can actually promise the voters?

Gracie: Oh, sure. I can promise voters that if I can’t find a way to reduce the high cost of living we’ll just have to do without it.

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