Gracie Explains the News

August 18, 2009


Bill Goodwin (announcer): It’s morning in the Burns’ home and Gracie, the house wife, has cleared away the breakfast dishes. Now Gracie, the newspaper columnist, is ready to clear away the problems of the world.

Gracie: My the paper is full of news this morning. I hardly know which item to explain to the readers of my column.

George: You explain the news to them?

Gracie: Oh, yes. Everyone doesn’t have my uncanny grasp of world affairs. I’m not the average person, George.

George: That I’ve known for years.

Gracie: Some people have the minds of children and it’s my duty to guide them.

George: I see.

Gracie: What would you like to know dear?

George: Not a thing. Nothing at all.

Gracie: Now you take the elections last Tuesday. Do you realize how confused those poor Republicans must be who got elected? I’ll bet some of them wind up in Seattle and Tacoma.

George: Seattle and Tacoma?

Gracie: Yes. They’ve been out so long they won’t know which Washington to go to.

George: A shrude observation.

Gracie: Well, now so much for politics. Now let’s turn to football.

George: Now, Gracie, you know nothing about football.

Gracie: I don’t, aye? Well I can show ________ a trick play that can beat Notre Dame.

George: What?

Gracie: Well, just before the game _______ drafts all the Notre Dame players.

George: I wouldn’t let that get around.

Gracie: So much for football. Let’s turn to the entertainment news.

George: Oh, no.

Gracie: Oh, listen to this! Artie Shaw is honeymooning with Kathleen Winzer, the girl who wrote Forever Amber. As usual the man gets all the breaks.

George: What do you mean?

Gracie: Well, he can have a wonderful time reading her book, but what if she can’t play the clarinet?

George: I wouldn’t let it worry me.

Gracie: Oh! Here’s an interesting item. Frank Sinatra is going to sing at the Woldorf Hotel in New York.

George: The kid really gets plenty of work.

Gracie: Yeah, and I can’t understand it. Why you’re twice the singer he is.

George: Ah, Gracie.

Gracie: Oh, I realize it’s not his fault. He gets tones that are thin and hollow because his chest is thin and hollow. But you get tones that are low and round because your chest…

George: Don’t finish it. Don’t finish it.

Gracie: That hotel should have hired you to sing.

George: [singing] “Though April Showers may come your way…They bring flowers that bloom in may.”

Gracie: OOOhhh! You’re murder, Jack. Mur-der! Oh, those golden notes come pouring out of you like Democrats out of Congress.

[buzz] Oh, excuse me, dear. I’ll see whose at the door.

The Happy Postman (Mel Blanc): Good morning, Mrs. Burns. Here’s your mail.

Gracie: Oh, thank you Mr. Postman. Uh oh, a bill from the butcher shop. Yes, there’s another installment on that pound of bacon we bought.

Postman: Prices are high, aren’t they?

Gracie: Yes, and I could use more money. That’s what annoys me about George. My husband could be a big movie star.

Postman: Don’t tell me you’re still trying to get him to replace Clark Gable.

Gracie: Well, wouldn’t George be perfect for the _______?

Postman: I didn’t read the book. What’s it all about?

Gracie: Well, it’s about radio advertising, Mr. Postman.

Postman: OOOhhh, I love radio advertising. [Sings some funny “jingles”]

Gracie: Say, that’s right. Most radio advertising is sung these days, isn’t it?

Postman: Oh, yes. [Sings more jingles]

Gracie: Oh, Mr. Postman!!

Postman: [Singing still more jingles]

Gracie: Mr. Postman, you’ve given me an idea. The man who plays the lead in the _________ will have to be a singer.

Postman: So…

Gracie: So, this makes George the logical choice. The man doesn’t breath who can sing better than George Burns.

Postman: How about Frank Sinatra?

Gracie: Humm. I can’t quite decide.

Postman: If he’s better?

Gracie: No, if he breaths.

Postman: Well, I’m glad I cheered you up, Mrs. Burns.

Gracie: Oh, I’m eternally grateful to you, Mr. Postman. Thanks to you George will make the picture. Would you like to see the sneak preview?

Postman: No, just tell him “Hello” for me. Well, good bye, Mrs. Burns. And remember: keep smiling.

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