Anti-Aging Experiment

June 14, 2010


Gracie: Well, I sent your handwriting in to be analyzed, and you’re in the wrong business. You have the hands of a surgeon.

George: What?

Gracie: Your handwriting has revealed the inner you, the real George Burns. You were never meant to be an actor. That’s why people laugh at you.

George: Gracie, you have to go to school to be a doctor. You have to go to school for eight years.

Gracie: Well, then you’re practically a doctor. You’ve already gone to school for seven years.

[In a scheme to get George to become a doctor, Gracie goes to the General Hospital to offer George as a volunteer worker. The next scene is as follows…]

Dr. Reynolds: How’s your experiment coming along, Doctor Powell?

Dr. Powell: Well, I’ve gone as far as I can Dr. Renyolds. I have tested this serum on guniea pigs and monkeys, but I can’t find a man to volunteer for a test.

Dr. Reynolds: Exactly what does the serum do?

Dr. Powell: Well, if it works, you’ll live to be 100.

Dr. Reynolds: And if it doesn’t?

Dr. Powell: No one knows. That’s why I can’t get a volunteer.

Dr. Renyolds: Maybe you can find a condemned criminal who…

[knocks on a door]

Dr. Powell: Come in.

Gracie: Dr. Powell?

Dr. Powell: Yes?

Gracie: I’d like to offer my husband’s services.

Dr. Powell: Ah, at last a volunteer.

Gracie: You can use him, huh?

Dr. Powell: Oh yes, yes. Sit down and let’s fill out these vital statistics…Name?

Gracie: George Burns.

Dr. Powell: Sex? Oh, but I know what that is.

Gracie: Well, you should. You’re a doctor.

Dr. Powell: Yes. Mrs. Burns, send your husband right over. We’ll be waiting for him.

[After Gracie tricks George by telling him that he is going to perform at the hospital…]

George: Dr. Powell?

Dr. Powell: Yes.

George: I’m George Burns. I understand you want me for a little routine?

Dr. Powell: Did you hear that, Dr. Reynolds? What a magnificent understatement.

George: I’m raring to go.

Dr. Powell: Oh, we admire your spirit, Mr. Burns, but you must realize that you might die.

George: Not with my material.

Dr. Powell: Mr. Burns, will you remove your clothes?

George: That’s not the kind of act I do, Doc. [laughter] Look, let me routine it for you, Doc. I open like this: [singing “Ain’t misbehavin’ all by myself, Ain’t misbehavin’ I’m happy on the shelf, Babe.” Then I’ll go into my Frisco step. I brought my derby hat.


[Gracie finds out what they intend to do with George and so she goes to the hospital to try to save him.]

Gracie: Oh, Doctor, Dr. Powell.

Dr. Powell: Oh, hello, Mrs. Burns.

Gracie: Is it over?

Dr. Powell: Yes. Yes, it’s all over.

Gracie: How is my husband?

Dr. Powell: Mrs. Burns, I hate to tell you this, but…

Gracie: But…but…but what?

Dr. Powell: Your husband is as nutty as a fruitcake.

Gracie: Did you give him the serum?

Dr. Powell: No. We couldn’t catch him. He’s in there running around with nothing on but a derby hat singing “Ain’t misbehavin’.”

Gracie: Oh, my goodness. He IS crazy. He looks awful in a derby hat.

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One comment

  1. GEORGE: Suppose I vibrate with a dancer?
    GRACIE: Well, you better not let me catch you at it.

    Funny broadcast — one of the first Burns & Allen recordings I ever listened to.

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