The SalesgirlJune 29, 2010
George Burns and Gracie Allen
(A telephone rings, and Gracie, behind the cigar counter, picks up the phone)
Gracie: Hello. Oh hello, Mary, I was just going to call you. When are you giving me the surprise party?? Tuesday night? Sure I’ve got a new dress, I’m wearing it? What time Tuesday night?? Oh, you can’t tell me, that’s the surprise? Sounds like fun. Tuesday night, don’t forget to be there? Goodbye.
(She hangs up as a customer comes up to the counter)
Customer: I’ll have two of those cigars
Gracie: That’ll be twenty cents.
Customer: Here’s five dollars. (She gives him the cigar and rings up the money)
Gracie: Anything else?
Customer: Yes, four-eighty.
Gracie: We haven’t got cigars for four-eighty.
Customer: Who wants cigars for four-eighty? I want two cigars for twenty cents.
Gracie: I think you’re silly to pay four-eighty for cigars that only cost twenty cents.
Customer: (Exasperated) Four-eighty! Twenty cents! I don’t want any cigars! Here’s your cigars, now give me back my five dollars!
Gracie: Oh, we never refund money, and besides you had no right to leave the counter before counting your change.
Customer: Leave the counter, count my change!! I didn’t leave the counter, I didn’t get any change!!
Gracie: Look, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had yesterday. I’m going to call the house detective.
Mr. Sweeney! Mr. Sweeney!
(Mr. Sweeney, a big, tall, burly man, enters)
Sweeney: Yes, Miss Allen, what is it?
(She gives him the two cigars)
Gracie: Here, have two cigars.
Sweeney: Oh, I couldn’t, Miss Allen.
Gracie: Take them, they’re paid for.
(He takes them)
Sweeney: Thanks. Now what’s the problem?
Gracie: Mr. Sweeney, this man bought two cigars for twenty cents and gave me five dollars. How much do I owe him?
Sweeney: Four dollars and eighty cents.
Gracie: And four-eighty from five dollars is what?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: And how much are two cigars at ten cents apiece?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: Then doesn’t that make us even?
Sweeney: Yes, I guess it does.
Gracie: Then throw this crook out….
Sweeney: Come on, get out of here.
(He drags the customer off)
Gracie: (Calling after him) I should have known yesterday I was going to have trouble with you today!
George: Hello, Gracie.
Gracie: Hello, George. Don’t forget the party Tuesday night.
George: Gracie, it’s supposed to be a surprise.
Gracie: Oh, you spoiled it for me….
George:I’m sorry. Let me have two cigars for twenty cents.
(He gives her twenty cents. She rings it up and gives him the cigars)
Gracie: Here’s your four-eighty change.
George: Gracie, you’re a little mixed up. I didn’t give you five dollars. I gave you twenty cents.
Gracie: Now, listen, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had with that other fellow?
George: Not with me. I can use four-eighty. I haven’t got a cent, I’m a pauper.
Gracie: You’re a what?
George: I’m a pauper.
Gracie: Oh, congratulations, boy or girl?
George: I really don’t know.
Gracie: Well, you better find out. Your brother will want to know if he’s an uncle or an aunt.
George: I’ll phone him when I get home…. Say, Gracie, do you know who you remind me of?
Gracie: I know, I was taken once for Clara Bow.
George: Well, that’s show business…. You were taken once for Clara Bow, and I was taken once for grand larceny.
Gracie: George, don’t be silly, you don’t look a bit like him….
George: He’s sort of a big, tall blond fellow.
Gracie: I know, and he’s a very good dancer.
George: Say, you’ve got a pretty nice job here.
Gracie: Job? I could have had two jobs. This one at ten dollars a week and another one at forty dollars a week.
George: Then why did you take this job?
Gracie: Because I figure that if I lose a ten-dollar job instead of a forty-dollar job, I’ll be saving thirty dollars.
George: Look, at thirty dollars a week, at the end of the year you’ll have saved yourself fifteen hundred dollars.
Gracie: Sure, if I’m out of work for ten years, I’ll have enough money to retire.
George:Do you mind if I change the subject?
Gracie: No, this is a free country.
George: That’s a nice dress you have on.
Gracie: I’m glad you like it. It’s my party dress for Tuesday night. My sisters, Jean and Alice, are going, too. They’re twins, you know.
George: I didn’t know you had twin sisters.
Gracie: They really should be triplets, because I think Alice is two-faced.
George:Do they look exactly alike?
Gracie: Oh, yeah.
George: Is it hard to tell them apart?
Gracie: Standing up or sitting down?
George:What difference does it make?
Gracie: Well, we noticed when Alice sits down and Jean stands up….
George: Jean seems taller.
Gracie: Yeah…. Even though they look exactly alike it’s easy to tell them apart because Alice is married.
George: And Jean is single.
Gracie: No, Jean is married, too.
George: Well, how do you tell them apart?
Gracie: Jean is the one who has a swimming pool.
George: And Alice?
Gracie: She sleeps on the floor.
George: She sleeps on the floor?
Gracie: She’s got high blood pressure and she’s trying to keep it down.
George: But Jean is the own with the swimming pool.
Gracie: Yeah, we were there yesterday and we had such fun. We were diving, and doing back flips, and we’ll even have more fun tomorrow when they put water in it.
George: Well, exercise is good for you.
Gracie: That’s why we took the old woman with us.
George: Your mother?
Gracie: No, the old woman who lives with us. She’s been with us for five weeks now.
George: Is it your aunt?
Gracie: We don’t even know her. She just wanders around the house and does anything she wants.
George: Now let me get this. There’s an old woman who wanders around your house and does anything she wants, and you don’t even know her?
Gracie: Sure. You see, my sister bought a ticket.
George: A ticket?
Gracie: You see, they ran a raffle for a poor old woman, and….
George: Your sister won.
George: Gracie, let’s talk about anything except your family.
Gracie: Then you don’t want to talk about my brother.
Gracie: You’re sure.
Gracie: He’s very tall, you know.
George: Gracie, I don’t want to talk about your brother.
Gracie: He’s an undercover agent.
George: An undercover agent? Is he in the secret service?
Gracie: No, he knows about it.
George: Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.
Gracie: Last week he went out on a murder case, and do you know he found that man in an hour.
George: He found the murderer in an hour?
Gracie: No, the man who was killed.
George: Not only is your brother tall, but he’s fast.
Gracie: Oh yeah… And then Mr. and Mrs. Jones were having matrimonial trouble, and my brother was hired to watch Mrs. Jones.
George: Well, I imagine she was a very attractive woman.
Gracie: She was, and my brother watched her day and night for six months.
George: Well, what happened?
Gracie: She finally got a divorce.
George: Mrs. Jones?
Gracie: No, my brother’s wife.
George: Gracie, I’ve enjoyed every minute of it, but we’ve run out of time. So just wave goodbye to everybody.
Gracie: Don’t you want to hear about my Aunt Clara?
Gracie: She’s not only tall, but she’s fat.
George: I don’t want to hear about her.
Gracie: She’s the one who collects all the clothes.
George: Gracie, we’ll do that in our next short.
Gracie: Do you promise?
George: I promise.
Gracie: Good. Then I’ll wave and say goodbye to everybody. Goodbye, everybody.
(As Gracie waves into camera, the picture fades out as music comes up)
(Written by George Burns, “Whiz Bang” and “College Humor”)