Archive for the ‘Comedy Routine’ Category


A Funny Thing…

February 18, 2011

Gracie: A funny thing happened to my mother in Cleveland.

George: I thought you were born in Buffalo.


Following Instructions

January 13, 2011

Gracie: You can’t eat these peaches, it’s twelve o’clock!

Harry Morton: What has that got to do with it?

Gracie: It says right here: should serve from two to four.


Logical Postage

December 21, 2010

George: This letter feels kind of heavy. I’d better put another stamp on it.

Gracie: What for? It’ll only make it heavier.


It’s All Relative

November 30, 2010

Real Estate Agent: I presume the bedrooms are upstairs.

Gracie: Yes, except when you’re upstairs. Then they’re on the same floor.


Allen Family Circus

July 16, 2010

George: Well, Gracie, any news from home?

Gracie: Yes. I got a letter from my little niece, Jean.

George: What did she say?

Gracie: She didn’t say anything. She didn’t phone. It was a letter, and she wrote it.

George: I mean what did she write?

Gracie: It’s Spring again, and my family is putting on a backyard circus, just like we did when I was a kid.

George: Every Spring you kids used to put on your own circus?

Gracie: Yes. Of course, admission was free, but that was only for the people who could afford it.

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The Salesgirl

June 29, 2010



George Burns and Gracie Allen




(A telephone rings, and Gracie, behind the cigar counter, picks up the phone)

Gracie: Hello. Oh hello, Mary, I was just going to call you. When are you giving me the surprise party?? Tuesday night? Sure I’ve got a new dress, I’m wearing it? What time Tuesday night?? Oh, you can’t tell me, that’s the surprise? Sounds like fun. Tuesday night, don’t forget to be there? Goodbye.

(She hangs up as a customer comes up to the counter)

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Anti-Aging Experiment

June 14, 2010


Gracie: Well, I sent your handwriting in to be analyzed, and you’re in the wrong business. You have the hands of a surgeon.

George: What?

Gracie: Your handwriting has revealed the inner you, the real George Burns. You were never meant to be an actor. That’s why people laugh at you.

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