Archive for the ‘Many Happy Returns’ Category

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Dreaming on a Train

March 12, 2011

[Scene: George has reluctantly taken Gracie as his wife.  They are on a train from New York to Los Angeles and at night they are sleeping separately.]

Gracie: Oh, you know something: the more telegraph poles I count, the less I know what to do with them. Why is that?

George: Humph.

Gracie: Georgie Porgie, I couldn’t sleep last night; I had the strangest dream.

George: You had a dream and yet you couldn’t sleep.

Gracie: Well, sure, a daydream.

George: I see… last night you had a daydream.

Gracie: In the upper birth… I was so lonesome up there, and there weren’t any sheep to count.

George: The train stops in Wyoming to pick up sheep.

Gracie: Oh, goodie, then I won’t be lonesome tonight.

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Wedding Preparation

May 29, 2009

Gracie: Something old, something new / Something borrowed, something blue

Florence: Blue; that’s how i feel.

Gracie: Well, now I have something blue. And Georgie’s something new. And I can borrow a lot of money from dad….

[Later]

Gracie: Don’t mind me, I’m just going to be married.

Ted: Many happy returns… oh, uh, I mean.

Gracie: Oh, I’ll be back in a few minutes. We’ll have to be hurrying, Florie. I don’t want to be late for my own wedding. Wouldn’t it be funny to go to your wedding and find out you hadn’t shown up?

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Someone for Dinner

May 19, 2009

George: Where’s the cook?

Gracie: She’s not with us anymore.

George: She’s not with us anymore.

Gracie: She didn’t like my cooking.

[Doorbell rings]

George: Are you expecting anybody.

Gracie: No, not that I know of.  Will you answer the phone?

George: It’s not the phone, it’s the door.

Gracie: Well, I know but the phone is so much closer I thought it would be easier…

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Gracie Gets Analyzed

April 26, 2009

Gracie: I’ve never been analyzed before, Dr. Von Strudel.  Will it leave much of a scar?

Doctor: Nobody is going to hurt you.  All you have to do is answer my questions so we can find out what is going on in this little head of yours.

Now; if 2 pencils cost 5 cents, how many pencils can be bought for 50 cents?

Gracie: Two

Doctor: Two?

Gracie: Two pencils and 45 cents change.

Doctor: Well

Gracie: Oh, you look tired.  Maybe I ought to ask you the questions.

Doctor: No, no.  We’ll try again.  Are you thinking?

Gracie: Um, well how do I know if I’m thinking?

Doctor: Concentrate.  What is wrong with this sentence: There are two divorces to every marriage.

Gracie: Nothing, I like it.  2 divorces to every marriage.  Two marriages to every birth.  Two births to every pullman  … you know upper and lower hence upper and lower classes.  And the first thing you know you have a revolution.  Do you mind?

Doctor: Hm, I see.  Two.  Always two.  This is very significant!

Gracie: Oh, ha-ha, I bet you tell that to all your patients.

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Wild Bird Seed

April 19, 2009

In Many Happy Returns, Gracie is the daughter of a wealthy department store owner.  She decides that she will tear down the store and replace it with a bird sanctuary.  Logically a bird sanctuary needs birds.  So Gracie calls a local zoo…

Gracie: Is this the zoo?  Ah, this is Gracie Allen.  I’d like you to send me a lot of wild birds… oh, about 2 dozen.  I want 12 canaries, 3 tenors, 2 bass singers and the rest sapranos… and be sure they all read music.  2 sparrows and, uh, 5 ostritches; 2 males and 2 females and the other one just a pelican.  That’s only 23.  Well, let me see, give me a small goose.  That will just make 2 dozen.  Send them COD and I’ll mail you a check at the first of the month.

[Later.]

Oh, is this the zoo?  Oh, hi zoo, this is me.  Now about those wild birds I was ordering for my sanctuary: You know, at first I thought of planting birdseed and raising my own birds.  But it takes so long and besides you can’t tell the male seed from the female seed, and so I…

[Conversation interrupted and finished by Mr. Allen (Gracie’s father played by George Barbier)]

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