Archive for the ‘Presidential Campaign’ Category


To All Other Presidential Candidates

August 4, 2011

To all other presidential candidates; of the United States of America.


Well, boys, the jig is up. Election Day will be in November this year. Turkies will cost you 38 cents a pound cranberries will be 50 cents a bucket. Plum puddings will be 2 dollars each. But for my good friends it won’t cost a nickel so go out and vote for me.

Gracie, you are asking all the other presidential candidates to vote for you?

Sure, there are so many that even if I get half of them to vote for me I’m bound to be elected.

I see what you mean.

This letter is being dictated by a lady, typewritten by a lady so don’t forget to take your hats off while you’re reading it.

Gracie Allen
President of the United States

Gracie, you’re not president yet.

Well, I will be by the time this letter is delivered.

Make 50,000 copies and mail one to each candidate. Address the letters in girlish handwriting and send it to their homes. I want their wives to read it too.


How to Become President: Chapter 12

May 1, 2010



HERE I am at last.

The first Lady President!

Imagine George Burns saying that if I loved my country I would demand a recount!

To my friends who kept up my spirits throughout the good fight, and to my supporters who did the same thing for my stockings. I thank you. And I say further that my election goes to show that the United States is still the land of importunity, where the humble have the same chance as those of lowly origin.

I’ll never forget the little sentiment that a man who said his name was “Admirer of Dewey” wrote on the bottom of his ballot:

Voters see red, when voters get blue.

If the country goes crazy, it may go for you.

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How to Become President: Chapter 11

April 1, 2010



I am so thrilled. For tomorrow is the big day, the day he is to give me my answer. Sam–soon perhaps to be Uncle Sam.

My heart beats just as it did the night after I first told George of my love and I was waiting to speak to his father. Ah, me. What will Sammy say? And will tomorrow be the Day of Gracie?

If only I could have my loved ones about me to witness my triumph. But my brother, so impetuous, is already busy making stamps, and George is going to make his hole in one, on account of the club bar will be closed all day and he won’t have to treat. And daddy is still serving his third term.

But at least, even if I don’t win tomorrow, it makes me so happy to know that daddy is well provided for at last, now that he’s given up trying to invent that unbreakable glass for firealarm boxes and has found something steady. Alcatraz is just another home from home for him now.

“Hello, Warden,” my daddy always says. “Any mail waiting for me?”

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How to Become President: Chapter 10

March 1, 2010


A LOT of water has flowed under the TVA since the old days when Alabama used to cast her 32 votes for Oscar Underwood, but us oldsters remember them well. Why, we even remember the Republicians. It used to be in those days that you couldn’t hold election without them.

But if I’m anything, I’m a modern, if I’m anything, and I believe that conventions should be streamlined. Streamlining is the process of reducing wind-resistance, if you know what I mean, but that isn’t everything. The boys in the back room (ask them what they’ll have, George) must go, on account of it’s time we gave the game back to the delegates.

Then the delegates can give it to me.

Under the present system, too many ballots are taken. You’d think that paper didn’t cost anything. But I will fix that, and I will now tell you how.

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How to Become President: Chapter 9

February 1, 2010


ACCORDING to an old legend, our forefathers first started shaking hands so that the politicians could have only one hand free to pick the voters’ pockets.

That’s silly, if I do say it myself. Smart politicians don’t pick pockets. They take ’em as they come.


On an average campaign tour a candidate shakes hands 400 times a day, thereby expending enough muscular contraction to milk all the cows in Van Buren County. But this would be just as silly as shaking hands. Why should a candidate milk cows when he can appoint his own Secretary of the Treasury?

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How to Become President: Chapter 8

January 1, 2010


MANY a speaker has made the wrong impression because of some little thing like drinking two bottles of ginger ale just before going to the platform, thereafter being unable to suppress his true feelings.

Things like this can so easily be avoided. This whole subject should be brought up in the open, and I am now going to be as frank with you as I am with my own manicurist.

Some candidates make the mistake of studying public speaking and making good speeches. This is wrong. Good speeches seldom go down in history.

Look at the last and most famous speech Julius Caesar ever made. He was quite a lad, even if he did look like something that if you unscrewed his head you’d find him stuffed with candies. Well, the boys started drifting into the Roman Senate one afternoon after a filibuster and Julius looked up and saw his old pal Brutus.

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How to Become President: Chapter 7

December 1, 2009


A PLATFORM is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.

Too many candidates neglect their platforms, and what happens? Why, just about the time Kate Smith stands up to sing, the whole thing collapses.

But on the other hand, you don’t want to spend too much time on it. I’m having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there’s no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you’ll have no use for after you’re elected.

And now without further ado I will give you a confidential peek at the Surprise Party platform, a document fo such insignificance that furture historians may well call it the Magna Carta of the Misdeal. The ideas came to me in a dream.

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