Posts Tagged ‘Republican’

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How to Become President: Chapter 10

March 1, 2010

FIVE GOOD GAMES TO PLAY AT A CONVENTION

A LOT of water has flowed under the TVA since the old days when Alabama used to cast her 32 votes for Oscar Underwood, but us oldsters remember them well. Why, we even remember the Republicians. It used to be in those days that you couldn’t hold election without them.

But if I’m anything, I’m a modern, if I’m anything, and I believe that conventions should be streamlined. Streamlining is the process of reducing wind-resistance, if you know what I mean, but that isn’t everything. The boys in the back room (ask them what they’ll have, George) must go, on account of it’s time we gave the game back to the delegates.

Then the delegates can give it to me.

Under the present system, too many ballots are taken. You’d think that paper didn’t cost anything. But I will fix that, and I will now tell you how.

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How to Become President: Chapter 5

October 1, 2009

ISSUES AND HOW TO PICK THEM

EDITOR’S NOTE. We here reproduce the expurgated version of Miss Allen’s famous keyhole speech, in which she laid down the gauntlet to the major parties and defied them to pick it up without stooping. The complete version, including the juicy parts and printed on the best issue-paper, appears in the Congressional Record-Express, on sale by your local Congressman.

The speech follows.

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The Surprise Party Mascot

July 25, 2009

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Gracie: Wait until you see the picture I had taken.
 

George: I’m not interested in any picture.  We’re here to do a broadcast.

Gracie: You know, the Democrats have a donkey and the Republicans have an elephant.

George: What have you got: squirrel?

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How to Become President: Chapter 1

June 1, 2009

GOVERNMENT JOBS PAY BIG MONEY

STOOGENTS!

Draw up a polling booth.

Or better still, sit on my lap. There, isn’t that nicer? If anybody objects we’ll tell them it’s just Progressive Education. And now, unless you think of a better idea, I will tell you how to become President long after Mr. Roosevelt is forgotten. Not before.

Who am I to talk? That’s a fair question, and one which deserves a better answer than I can give you. But after all, you know, Frank Kent says, “The Democratic Party has no suitable candidate.” Walter Lippmann says, “The Republican Party has no suitable candidate.” Dewey, McNutt, Taft, Garner, Vandenberg, Farley and Norman Thomas all say, “Nuts,” which of course nominates me by acclamation.

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Gracie for President 1940

April 2, 2009

4presGracie Allen, the female half of the runaway comedy team of Burns and Allen, announced one March evening over the radio her intention to compete for the presidency at the head of a new third party, the “Surprise Party.” Why the Surprise Party? As Gracie later explained, her mother was a Democrat, her father a Republican, and Gracie had been born a Surprise.

Gracie’s presidential bid had originally been conceived as a simple radio gimmick with the expectation of a short half-life. George Burns later recalled its moment of birth: “Gracie and I were at home in Beverly Hills with our children [when she] suddenly remarked, ‘I’m tired of knitting this sweater. I think I’ll run for president this year.'”

The idea wasn’t particularly new. Other radio personalities, notably Eddie Cantor and Will Rogers, had made slapstick runs in the direction of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Gracie’s unique campaign, however, acquired a unique momentum.

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