Posts Tagged ‘Washington’

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How to Become President: Chapter 12

May 1, 2010

TO THE VICTOR BELONGS THE SPOILED

(HINTS ON REMODELING THE WHITE HOUSE)

HERE I am at last.

The first Lady President!

Imagine George Burns saying that if I loved my country I would demand a recount!

To my friends who kept up my spirits throughout the good fight, and to my supporters who did the same thing for my stockings. I thank you. And I say further that my election goes to show that the United States is still the land of importunity, where the humble have the same chance as those of lowly origin.

I’ll never forget the little sentiment that a man who said his name was “Admirer of Dewey” wrote on the bottom of his ballot:

Voters see red, when voters get blue.

If the country goes crazy, it may go for you.

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How to Become President: Chapter 11

April 1, 2010

WHERE TO SPEND ELECTION NIGHT

DEAR DIARY!

I am so thrilled. For tomorrow is the big day, the day he is to give me my answer. Sam–soon perhaps to be Uncle Sam.

My heart beats just as it did the night after I first told George of my love and I was waiting to speak to his father. Ah, me. What will Sammy say? And will tomorrow be the Day of Gracie?

If only I could have my loved ones about me to witness my triumph. But my brother, so impetuous, is already busy making stamps, and George is going to make his hole in one, on account of the club bar will be closed all day and he won’t have to treat. And daddy is still serving his third term.

But at least, even if I don’t win tomorrow, it makes me so happy to know that daddy is well provided for at last, now that he’s given up trying to invent that unbreakable glass for firealarm boxes and has found something steady. Alcatraz is just another home from home for him now.

“Hello, Warden,” my daddy always says. “Any mail waiting for me?”

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How to Become President: Chapter 2

July 1, 2009

OTHERS MAKE GOOD, WHY NOT YOU?

PRESIDENTS are made, not born. That’s a good thing to remember. It’s silly to think that Presidents are born, because very few people are 35 years old at birth, and those who are won’t admit it. So if you’re only 16 don’t be discouraged, because it’s only a phase and there’s nothing wrong with you that you won’t outgrow.

Of course, times are different now, especially with Daylight Saving. Lincoln had certain advantages we don’t have today. For instance, he could go out and split a bunch of rails, but the railroads are using iron ones more and more. Now the only things left to split are bananas and infinitives. If you split too many bananas you get in a rut and end up behind a soda fountain, and if you split infinitives the voters will think you can’t afford a ghost writer. Then too, Lincoln could work out his problems by writing on a shovel, but if you try that now the WPA foreman will fire you for playing during shirking hours.

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